On STILL not knowing what I want to do with my life
08:00
If there is one thing guaranteed to always get me down, it's thinking of the future. I'm quite happy living in the moment because as soon as I think about bigger things, it brings on SO much anxiety. I have never known what career I want. Even as a child, I don't remember ever declaring I wanted to be a dancer, a doctor, or anything that most kids dream of; I've just never been sure. Maybe part of it is the fear of failure, so if I don't set myself the goal then I can't fail, but also I just have no bloody clue what I want to spend so much of my time doing. What I do know though is that it's not working in the job that I do now. I work in a 9-5 office job for a small company, (there's 6 of us here on a good day, so very small!) and I don't mind the hours, I quite like that it's not a big structured company, but it's draining. The work isn't challenging and there isn't enough of it. So much so that I do almost all of my brainstorming and blog planning in said work hours (shh). I just absolutely hate being bored!
I spent 3 years studying for a degree in Business Economics so as to delay the inevitability of looking for a ~proper~ job (not just for that reason, but it was a factor). I also just enjoy learning and had excelled in both maths and business studies for years previously so wanted to continue. But when I graduated, I realised that as much as I had gained from those 3 years, an idea of the career direction that I wanted to go in wasn't one of them. I ended up falling into this job because I had to do something, and basically, I'm still here. What also doesn't help is the literally *crippling* anxiety that I get at just the thought of a job interview, entering a new environment or meeting new people. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm destined to fail!
I wrote a post last year about not being a 'girl boss' and how I don't think blogging full-time is for me, and I still agree with that. I need some job security (for my mental health more than anything!) and freelancing just doesn't have that. So I'm looking for a new job without actually looking at the moment. Building myself up for it, I guess! But does it really matter that I don't have a specific career goal? Most people I speak to are in jobs that they somehow fell into. Out of everyone on my course at University (that I know and speak to) I think only one is doing a job that uses the degree. People change and maybe I'll fall straight into another job that I love and never want to leave; maybe it'll take me 6 months to find something that I even want to consider. At the end of the day I'm only 24 and considering I won't be retiring until I'm 90 at the rate the economy's going, I've got plenty of time to find work that I love. For now I can cope with a dull job, having blogging on the side as a pick-me-up.
I'm trying not to let the pressure of social media and everyone else's successes get me down. Because every single person is so, so different!
Side note: how bloody fantastic is this co-ord?! I fell in love with it after seeing it on the topshop site and there was no chance I wasn't gonna order it.
Wearing:Blazer, Topshop
Skirt, Topshop
Top, ASOS
Boots, ASOS (similar)
Bag, Topshop (similar)
Sunglasses, RayBan
Photography by Matt McCormick
Loves. Emma.
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