25: Recovery in the age of the Internet
It was my birthday on Saturday (the 21st, for future gift-buying reference!) so this is the obligatory “I’m another year older” post. I originally planned on doing a “25 things I’ve learnt in 25 years” but aside from the fact that I only got to 19 points, I realised I was kind of being a sheep. Everyone does those type of posts on birthdays, and obviously there’s nothing wrong with that; we’ve all learnt different things and sharing those helps others! But I just wanted to do something ~different. So I thought I’d write about how that now, at the ripe old age of 25 (eek!) I’m finally starting to love and accept myself for who I am. And why the internet has played such a MASSIVE part in that.
I think my favourite thing about the internet is the way that it opens you up to so many different thought processes and ways of life. We've all been through the horrifically cringe-worthy phases of MSN and Bebo (we can probably add Facebook to this list now, no?) and I bloody love Instagram, but it's Tumblr and Twitter which have had the biggest impacts on my life, and most importantly, on my mental health. It's connecting with people from all over the world, from all walks of life. It's understanding that what you know, isn't the only way to be. It's learning and growing and bettering yourself. Fill your feeds with what you want to see, what you need, and the internet will become your best friend.
From the age of 15, I've battled on and off with disordered eating; going through phases of starvation and purging, along with phases of binging to no end. I wouldn't eat in front of people and began to develop routines that I had to follow, patterns for eating. Add into this periods of self-harm and a battle with anxiety for as long as I can remember, things haven't always been rosy. But now, at the age of 25, I'm in the best place that I've ever been in and am finally starting to love myself the way that I am. Yeah, I might still be living at home with my parents, and no, my job might not be the sparkling career that everyone expected of me; but I'm happy, I'm healthy and I'm bloody proud of myself for getting to where I am. And yeah, therapy did play a big part in this, but it wasn't the be all and end all.
The internet can be quite a distressing place; people declaring what you should and shouldn't eat, wear or do; how you should look or behave; where you should be at certain stages of your life. But on the whole, I've found it to be the best help for getting me to be someone who actually likes themselves. For getting me to understand that I'm not the only one going through these things, that I'm not alone. Make your feeds a positive place; follow people who uplift and inspire you, who support you in your goals. Press that unfollow button if you don't like how others are living! The 'self-love' and 'body confidence' movements get a lot of (unwarranted) stick, but I think they're bloody great for people like me, who have always lacked confidence in just being themselves. What's so wrong about teaching people to put themselves first? To look after themselves and look for the positives instead of the negatives? Absolutely nothing.
I no longer look in the mirror picking apart every little thing about me that I hate; I know I'm not perfect, nobody is (apart from Harry Styles, obvs) and there's still plenty about myself that I find less than favourable; but I'm working on it. I'm going to the gym more than ever and I'm spending more time with myself, pampering and reading and anything that makes me feel calm. I've come to accept that I will never be very good at makeup and a more natural look is more ~me~ anyway; I've come to realise that fake tanning every week isn't for me and what's wrong with being pale anyway? But most importantly I've come to realise that I will never be that loud person, the life and soul of a party, the one who fills a room and talks to everyone, but that's ok. It's realising all of these little things, realising that you are who you are and that's ok, that makes a big difference in living your life to the fullest. And I might still not be comfortable eating around other people, and I might still find myself scratching at my wrists unknowingly, but that doesn't mean I haven't come a long way.
And if you'd told 16 year old me that I'd be doing photoshoots on busy streets not embarrassed by onlookers; that I'd be sharing photos of myself on the internet for literally *anyone* to see, I wouldn't have believed it in a million years. Because 16 year old me (and 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 year old me!) was the most camera shy, quiet, awkward individual who didn't have an ounce of self-confidence. It doesn't happen overnight, but learning to turn bad experiences into a lesson in putting yourself first is worth every minute.
Wearing:
Shirt, Missguided
Skirt, Missguided (similar)
Bag, Topshop
Hat, Primark
Shoes, Converse
Photos by Matt McCormick
PS can I ask for a little birthday favour? I set up a facebook page for my blog but it's got an embarrassing total of 6 likes, so can you help a gal out? It is most appreciated!
Loves. Emma.
I had my first Smear Test : Here's why you should book yours too
So a few weeks back, when 'The Beast from the East' hit and everyone was snowed in, I trekked on out to the Doctors for a less than exciting appointment. Well, I mean, is any Doctors appointment ever exciting?! But I turn 25 this month (argh!) and so the letter came through my front door 'inviting' me to have a cervical screening. If you happen to not know what this is, then there's lots of info here. It's basically a routine check-up that you start being offered on a 3 yearly cycle once you reach 25 to check that everything with your cervix is A-ok! It's not a test for cervical cancer, but a test on whether the cells in your cervix are ~normal~. They test for HPV which is a virus that can affect the cells, and certain types can lead to cancer. I never considered not attending, because it could quite literally save your life. I mean, stripping off and having a stranger look, quite literally, inside of you, is of course less than pleasant; but to be blunt, always preferable to death, y'know?
When I say this was my first smear test, that's true. But it's not my first vaginal examination. TMI? Soz! But I've been suffering a lot of intense, cramping abdomen pains for a few years now and on the quest to find out the cause, I had an internal (along with an ultrasound, numerous blood tests and almost every other test you could think of). So I knew what to expect. Three years ago when I didn't know what to expect, my doctor whipped the speculum out and told me 'this is what they call the torture device' while laughing, so it couldn't be much worse than that really, could it?
Yes I was still nervous, and yes of course it wasn't pleasant, but tbh I think the sight of me, legs akimbo in my knee high wellie socks and Calvin Klein sweatshirt made the situation more traumatic for the poor nurse than it was for me! It's uncomfortable, but not painful; you feel a bit of a burn with the stretch of the speculum and it's bizarre feeling the swabbing as they take a few cells, but including the nurse talking me through what it was and how it worked beforehand, I was in and out of the room in less than 10 minutes. If you reward yourself with a hot chocolate afterwards it's almost forgotten!
The results are posted out to you much like the invitation was (I don't like calling it an invite, it's not a bloody party, but what else do I call it?!) approx. 2 weeks after your appointment. Mine took a little longer, more like 4 weeks, and yes I got a bit anxious, but not enough to chase. Do you ever get so anxious about things that it makes you not want to find out? Yeah, that. But my results came through all fine "You are currently at a very low risk of cervical cancer" is what it said and that I would next need to go for an appointment in 3 years time. So although there was nothing to be found, I'm obviously still glad that I went.
It's so so important to go, because cervical cancer can have so few symptoms until it's advanced. This is the best way to detect any abnormalities and possibly prevent it! So don't ignore that letter if/when it comes through your door.
Loves. Emma.
Fashion Blogging and Consumerism
I've touched on the subject of consumerism in blogging a couple of times before; in this post about the issues of fast fashion and this post about the pressure to spend that comes with blogging. But I think it's a topic that I'll always keep coming back to because it is such a big issue. Not only from the perspective of a blogger who isn't earning 6 figures to have a constantly up-to-date wardrobe (and the rest); but also from an environmental perspective. Fast fashion is killing the planet. That's a fact. So why are we all still encouraging it? One of my favourite bloggers Chloe Miles has just started a new series on YouTube called the 'Still-In Series' talking about old things in her wardrobe instead of doing 'New In' hauls every week and I bloody love the idea! Whether things are still current stock or you find something similar, it's still providing outfit inspiration but in a much ~greener~ way.
It's never gonna be as simple as 'well I don't want to harm the planet so I won't buy another new blazer and those 2 pairs of boots' because that's not how life works. And when everyone around you is buying new everything, you feel left out if you're not keeping up to some extent. But I just feel like opening up conversation around the topic and making people aware of the effects, is the most important thing. I vowed in my fast fashion post to start making more thought-out purchases with my clothing, so I thought I'd do a little review on how I've been doing!
Every time I see a blogger promoting yet another discount code or a site-wide sale (which happens VERY often), I make myself do a double take. Is there actually anything in particular that I want? Do I need to browse 20 pages of clothes just to see if there's a possible bargain; which in theory won't be saving me any money because I'm spending money on things that I don't NEED. A couple of weeks back I placed a Topshop order for 2 things that I'd been eyeing up for a while; the next day their sale began so I just had to check if what I'd ordered had been reduced (the jeans had, so I reordered and returned the full price pair, obviously!) but I refrained from going mad in the sale, didn't even add anything else to my bag except for one skirt which went back anyway because it didn't fit; and I just think that shows how much I've changed tbh.
When I saw that ISAWITFIRST had an 'everything for £5' sale, I went on and scrolled through a couple of pages before closing it. (Not least because the clothes were so not my style!) So I keep being tempted by sales and offers but being quite logical about it. I've made much more informed purchases in recent months; pieces that will last a bit longer and I'll get plenty of wear out of.
I understand that bloggers share affiliate links for sales and do twitter threads of pieces they're loving because they want to make money doing what they love; most doing it rely on an income from blogging to live, but sometimes it all just feels a bit forced. Sharing pieces you genuinely like and that are on a good offer is great, help me out by letting me know those jeans I loved are now half price and I'll help you out by using your link; but when it's literally every single day, 10-20 items, it can come across a bit contrived. (To me, anyway!!)
Another point to be made on the whole fast fashion debacle is the cost of fast fashion. In the midst of writing this post I took a break to scroll through twitter to see someone had pointed out that MissPap (yeah, I'd never heard of them either; basically another boohoo) had introduced a 'living wage' range where every item is £7.50. And I was quite glad to see that the people on my feed talking about this were shedding light on the negativity of it. This isn't a sale, it's just a range where £7.50 is the full price for every item. A pair of jeans for £7.50? A coat? Certainly not the norm. And while yeah, I guess it's good to help those who don't have a lot; when the prices are so low, you've got to think how little the costs must be and therefore what kind of sweatshops are they being made in? And they have the nerve to call it a Living Wage range.
I'm not declaring that I'm a saint when it comes to buying clothes; I'm guilty of buying the occasional cheap t-shirt from Primark and have a fair few H&M pieces in my wardrobe but we've got to be more AWARE. If you're gonna do a haul of multiple pieces at this price, just ask yourself why and if it's worth it. If you can't afford more then that's fair enough, but if you can just think of how poor the quality will (probably) be and how long it's actually gonna last; is it worth it when you'll have to replace next week?
It's never gonna be as simple as 'well I don't want to harm the planet so I won't buy another new blazer and those 2 pairs of boots' because that's not how life works. And when everyone around you is buying new everything, you feel left out if you're not keeping up to some extent. But I just feel like opening up conversation around the topic and making people aware of the effects, is the most important thing. I vowed in my fast fashion post to start making more thought-out purchases with my clothing, so I thought I'd do a little review on how I've been doing!
Every time I see a blogger promoting yet another discount code or a site-wide sale (which happens VERY often), I make myself do a double take. Is there actually anything in particular that I want? Do I need to browse 20 pages of clothes just to see if there's a possible bargain; which in theory won't be saving me any money because I'm spending money on things that I don't NEED. A couple of weeks back I placed a Topshop order for 2 things that I'd been eyeing up for a while; the next day their sale began so I just had to check if what I'd ordered had been reduced (the jeans had, so I reordered and returned the full price pair, obviously!) but I refrained from going mad in the sale, didn't even add anything else to my bag except for one skirt which went back anyway because it didn't fit; and I just think that shows how much I've changed tbh.
When I saw that ISAWITFIRST had an 'everything for £5' sale, I went on and scrolled through a couple of pages before closing it. (Not least because the clothes were so not my style!) So I keep being tempted by sales and offers but being quite logical about it. I've made much more informed purchases in recent months; pieces that will last a bit longer and I'll get plenty of wear out of.
I understand that bloggers share affiliate links for sales and do twitter threads of pieces they're loving because they want to make money doing what they love; most doing it rely on an income from blogging to live, but sometimes it all just feels a bit forced. Sharing pieces you genuinely like and that are on a good offer is great, help me out by letting me know those jeans I loved are now half price and I'll help you out by using your link; but when it's literally every single day, 10-20 items, it can come across a bit contrived. (To me, anyway!!)
Another point to be made on the whole fast fashion debacle is the cost of fast fashion. In the midst of writing this post I took a break to scroll through twitter to see someone had pointed out that MissPap (yeah, I'd never heard of them either; basically another boohoo) had introduced a 'living wage' range where every item is £7.50. And I was quite glad to see that the people on my feed talking about this were shedding light on the negativity of it. This isn't a sale, it's just a range where £7.50 is the full price for every item. A pair of jeans for £7.50? A coat? Certainly not the norm. And while yeah, I guess it's good to help those who don't have a lot; when the prices are so low, you've got to think how little the costs must be and therefore what kind of sweatshops are they being made in? And they have the nerve to call it a Living Wage range.
I'm not declaring that I'm a saint when it comes to buying clothes; I'm guilty of buying the occasional cheap t-shirt from Primark and have a fair few H&M pieces in my wardrobe but we've got to be more AWARE. If you're gonna do a haul of multiple pieces at this price, just ask yourself why and if it's worth it. If you can't afford more then that's fair enough, but if you can just think of how poor the quality will (probably) be and how long it's actually gonna last; is it worth it when you'll have to replace next week?
Wearing:
Loves. Emma.