I Feel Painfully Average.
What makes people 'stand out'? What makes them excel in life? What makes them feel satisfied with where they are and what they're doing? Because in every element of my life I simply feel average. Like, painfully average.
I don't mean this in a woe is me, feel sorry for me and give me attention, kinda way. It's just the way I'm feeling and when I'm feeling things, I write. It's therapeutic!
When I say painfully average, I mean a feeling of permanent sub-par being; a feeling of constant inadequacy; a feeling of simply just not being good enough. In all elements of life!
Having no faith in my capabilities; lacking creativity with my work; feeling unfulfilled, unproductive and merely not where a twenty-something 'like me' should be.
The constant comparisons that come mainly from social media don't help; should I be buying a house at this age? Should I have found 'the one' and be thinking about babies? Should I be higher up the career ladder? Should I be travelling and seeing the world while I have few commitments? Should I be making more of a difference to other peoples lives?
I simply feel this enormous pressure to just be better and I don't even know where it's coming from?
Yes this is how I feel about all aspects of my life right now, but I'm especially feeling it about blogging. I don't have a niche, I don't think you need a niche tbh, but does that mean I'm just lost in the ether? Just another middle-of-the-road blog that gets forgotten about because theres nothing about it that stands out? I don't know. Most of my favourite blogs are quite generalised, without much of a niche and just bloody good content. So maybe I just need to improve my content? Buy a new theme and get a good header, really put the work into my posts and promoting them?
The one thing that I've found most confidence in in recent years is fashion. Hence this blog being so fashion focused! So even when I'm feeling inadequate with my life, in a state of anxiousness and scrutinising everything, putting on my Sunday Best™ is an instant mood lifter. I've grown so much confidence since stopping caring what others think, what they see when they look at me; I'm finally at a place where I like myself and if it's clothes that bring that feeling, not a job or travels, then so what? Wouldn't it be boring if we all got happiness, fulfilment and confidence from the same things.
And yeah, maybe there's simply an element of me having built a rod for my own back here? Because growing up all I ever wanted to do was blend in. I've always been very shy and never wanted attention on me (weird to end up blogging and plastering photos of myself on the web, I know!) so I guess I just tried to make myself every bit your 'average' kid.
Have you seen those tweets constantly doing the rounds, about how the kids who were 'a pleasure to have in class' are now all suffering with anxiety? MY LIFE! I was a G&T kid, I got on with everyone in school and I had top grades. School always came easy to me because there was a set routine and I always knew what needed to be done. I thrive off organisation and routine. So when education finishes and the pressure is on you to set your own routine whilst living up to the high expectations that people have set for you, it's a bit of a minefield. Some people thrive off the independence, freedom and ability to choose their own path, but I've always struggled. In part because I hate making decisions and putting myself in new situations, but also because I've never had a dream job to work towards.
People say it's fine to not know what you want to do in life, 'you're still young, you've got plenty of time!' but honestly? It's just hard. (I actually wrote all about this last year, so I won't ramble again!)
I know I should be progressing in my career and yes, I should probably be much closer to owning my own house given that I'm very much not a traveller, but I'm just not. For the first time in my life, I'm happy with who I am; physically, mentally, emotionally. Shouldn't that be enough?
Loves. Emma.
A 3 Month Catch-Up
It seems that every time I begin to get into some sort of routine with blogging, it isn't very long before things change; life gets in the way, I lose motivation or simply have other posts I want to prioritise! But I WILL get back into the monthly round-ups! They're my favourite kind of post to read (as I've said before) because who doesn't love a little nosy into others lives? So here's a bumper special round-up of my March, April and May complete with photos of some of my favourite outfits (which seem to include a lot of red and orange warm tones? Huh).
What I've Watched
I binged Dead To Me on Netflix within a week and OMG. I'm always wary when things have had a lot of hype on social media, but this definitely didn't disappoint and I am eagerly anticipating a second season already.
Rocketman was top of my list for a cinema trip in May. I cried, I laughed and when we left, we put an Elton John playlist on in the car immediately (and it has so far been on for 4 days and counting). I would wholeheartedly recommend, whether you think you're an Elton fan or not, you soon will be!
I was very late to the party in my discovery of Jane The Virgin but I quickly became obsessed and am now having to suffer each weekly wait for the next episode. It is the perfect, easy-watching escapism series that will still rip your heart out at times and I am not ready for it to end.
What I've Read
I've made an effort to really get back into reading blogs more consistently and it's making me feel so inspired! (Especially at a time when I'm feeling most uninspired with Instagram) Some current favourites are:
- Abbie at blushandnoise.com
- Holly at hollylovesthesimplethings.co.uk
- Lauren at loulabellerose.co.uk
- Amy at callmeamy.co.uk
In terms of books:
I loved Matt Haigs 'Notes on a Nervous Planet' and know it's definitely a book that I will refer back to time and again.
I loved Matt Haigs 'Notes on a Nervous Planet' and know it's definitely a book that I will refer back to time and again.
I finally got my mitts on a copy of Rob Sheffields 'Love is a Mix Tape' and it was heartbreakingly beautiful. Also full of some great music recs!
After completing the original Harry Potter series at the start of the year, I gave Cursed Child a read and I mean, I loved it, but also was a bit disappointed? I feel there was so much potential it just didn't reach.
And a final mention to Pandora Sykes essay 'The Authentic Lie' which left me brimming with inspiration and prompted this post!
What I've Listened To
A new podcast that has wormed its way into my favourites is 'Down The Rabbit Hole' with Tess Ward. She's joined by a different guest each episode to chat about a different topic weird/wonderful/sexual/supernatural and I just love a podcast that's like a good friendly chat. Tess comes across so well and the episode on social media hypernormalisation with Jolyon Rubinstein was especially eye-opening!
I was gonna get fancy and embed a Spotify playlist here with the music I've been loving lately but tbh, I just haven't got around to compiling said playlist! So here's a round-up instead. I've rediscovered the beauty of both Spectors 'Enjoy It While It Lasts' and Swim Deeps 'Where The Heaven Are We' through some old playlists of mine. I've been appreciating new Billie Eilish and Lizzo tracks, along with Sam Fender and Lewis Capaldi, of course. And as I mentioned earlier, I've been loving everything Elton John since seeing Rocketman too!
Some Highlights
My Easter Sunday Birthday was an absolute delight complete with a sunny day in Roundhay Park, a giant chocolate bunny and a delicious dinner out.
Rediscovering creative outlets in the form of painting, colouring and cross-stitch has brought lots of joy, inspiration and relaxation!
A spa day with my mum at The Devonshire Arms complete with Rasul Mud Treatment and sunbathing on the terrace was absolute bliss.
Chow Down returned to The Piece Hall for the last Bank Holiday in May and I trekked on up with some friends for delicious foodie goodness.
At the start of May I hopped on a train and met a friend for a day out in Liverpool, my first time in the city! And I fell in love with the place and need to go back ASAP.
At the start of May I hopped on a train and met a friend for a day out in Liverpool, my first time in the city! And I fell in love with the place and need to go back ASAP.
What have you been up to lately? Share some highlights down below!
Loves. Emma.