What makes people 'stand out'? What makes them excel in life? What makes them feel satisfied with where they are and what they're doing? Because in every element of my life I simply feel average. Like, painfully average.
I don't mean this in a woe is me, feel sorry for me and give me attention, kinda way. It's just the way I'm feeling and when I'm feeling things, I write. It's therapeutic!
When I say painfully average, I mean a feeling of permanent sub-par being; a feeling of constant inadequacy; a feeling of simply just not being good enough. In all elements of life!
Having no faith in my capabilities; lacking creativity with my work; feeling unfulfilled, unproductive and merely not where a twenty-something 'like me' should be.
The constant comparisons that come mainly from social media don't help; should I be buying a house at this age? Should I have found 'the one' and be thinking about babies? Should I be higher up the career ladder? Should I be travelling and seeing the world while I have few commitments? Should I be making more of a difference to other peoples lives?
I simply feel this enormous pressure to just be better and I don't even know where it's coming from?
Yes this is how I feel about all aspects of my life right now, but I'm especially feeling it about blogging. I don't have a niche, I don't think you need a niche tbh, but does that mean I'm just lost in the ether? Just another middle-of-the-road blog that gets forgotten about because theres nothing about it that stands out? I don't know. Most of my favourite blogs are quite generalised, without much of a niche and just bloody good content. So maybe I just need to improve my content? Buy a new theme and get a good header, really put the work into my posts and promoting them?
The one thing that I've found most confidence in in recent years is fashion. Hence this blog being so fashion focused! So even when I'm feeling inadequate with my life, in a state of anxiousness and scrutinising everything, putting on my Sunday Best™ is an instant mood lifter. I've grown so much confidence since stopping caring what others think, what they see when they look at me; I'm finally at a place where I like myself and if it's clothes that bring that feeling, not a job or travels, then so what? Wouldn't it be boring if we all got happiness, fulfilment and confidence from the same things.
And yeah, maybe there's simply an element of me having built a rod for my own back here? Because growing up all I ever wanted to do was blend in. I've always been very shy and never wanted attention on me (weird to end up blogging and plastering photos of myself on the web, I know!) so I guess I just tried to make myself every bit your 'average' kid.
Have you seen those tweets constantly doing the rounds, about how the kids who were 'a pleasure to have in class' are now all suffering with anxiety? MY LIFE! I was a G&T kid, I got on with everyone in school and I had top grades. School always came easy to me because there was a set routine and I always knew what needed to be done. I thrive off organisation and routine. So when education finishes and the pressure is on you to set your own routine whilst living up to the high expectations that people have set for you, it's a bit of a minefield. Some people thrive off the independence, freedom and ability to choose their own path, but I've always struggled. In part because I hate making decisions and putting myself in new situations, but also because I've never had a dream job to work towards.
People say it's fine to not know what you want to do in life, 'you're still young, you've got plenty of time!' but honestly? It's just hard. (I actually wrote all about this last year, so I won't ramble again!)
I know I should be progressing in my career and yes, I should probably be much closer to owning my own house given that I'm very much not a traveller, but I'm just not. For the first time in my life, I'm happy with who I am; physically, mentally, emotionally. Shouldn't that be enough?
Loves. Emma.
